We know it's not enough to just offer a pair of earrings.
The earrings have to DO something. That's why these studs have 14 glorious carats, and each one provides a unique benefit.
- Filters junk mail
- Assists with puppet identification
- Remembers all the lyrics to "Piano Man"
- Keeps receipts
- Spoons with you if you have a bad dream
- Prepares an excellent salad dressing
- Provides a name recognition mnemonic every time you meet a new person
- Knows the trans fat content of every food item in most major grocery retailers
- Gives an honest assessment of your performance every day so you can continue to improve
- Smells like fresh laundry all the time
- Specializes in political satire at dinner parties
- Holds the pens
- Curates pictures of otters and puts them on a tumblr called CaratCuratesOtters
- Knows the truth about you.